Aside from my almost heart break I had a pretty good day. But for now im working on making my way from, "her" to "Jessica".
I think im on a good path, ive been talking to a lot more people lately, and my friendship with Jakob might be getting me places. Im the only friend of his that's a girl that isn't all over his dick. This allows me to meet some of his lady friends who are "popular" and hopefully through that people will see im not so weird. Im worth talking too, and I like the same things they like. But im sure as most of you know, trying to shake the "emo girl" label is pretty hard.
As for my love life you might ask. Im letting it go. When I don't try for the things I want they usual come to me.
A little example: I have a major passion for acting. I act out scenes from my favorite movies. At the mall I signed up for one of those stupid modeling agencies, and they called me today. And not only do they do modeling, THEY DO ACTING.
Call me a believer but I think its a sign.
But I know what happens when I get my hopes up...
Well that's enough to get out for tonight, even if its not much. I don't feel like digging deep..
Monday, October 21, 2013
Love is a bitch.
"Yo
Like
What's funny is there's this one chick I attempted to get to know more through facebook as well
and well it didn't work out too well for me. Long story short, I felt like a TOTAL idiot, and to this day I still do. It really feels horrible.
I have my hands tied up with another chick at the moment, and as much as it's awesome to have more than one chick to be involved with (what some guys would think), it's not as awesome as hurting other people's feelings. In addition to you know..it being morally wrong. That's literally the number one factor here because I don't want to be a douche or something. It's really awesome to think someone else thinks I'm cute, considering it happens rarely. But yeah..
Referring back to my story, that whole ordeal that I went through eats me up inside nearly every single day of my life, for an odd reason, and I just don't want to inflict that feeling onto anyone else ever..for like as long as I live. But I'm still a super chill person and a huge nerd guy so I mean, if you hate nerds, ew gross right.
I'm sorry man D:
I get nervous about this sort of stuff too.
I 100% have no doubt in my mind that you're a nice person, it's just I'm already tied up. I'm trying reaaally hard to not hurt any feelings right now and I hope this works because I've been there. Too many times." - Kain
Seriously though...all I said was hello. I know, that he knows, that I think he's cute. But I don't actually know him! and he's acting like I got some serious feelings for him!!!
Well...maybe I do...because I cried.
Oh isn't it great being 16 with ragging hormones that make you cry over small things like this. Ugh. Not to mention the way Austin was acting today. Fucking dick...excuse my language but honestly. What is it with guys, they can be so nice to you one day and the second their friend are around they're absolute assholes.
I know im not the one they want to win, it's a losing game so im losing it. But even the people who finish second get a ribbon. If only I was getting second..im like...586th. What do I get for that? Heart break.
Like
What's funny is there's this one chick I attempted to get to know more through facebook as well
and well it didn't work out too well for me. Long story short, I felt like a TOTAL idiot, and to this day I still do. It really feels horrible.
I have my hands tied up with another chick at the moment, and as much as it's awesome to have more than one chick to be involved with (what some guys would think), it's not as awesome as hurting other people's feelings. In addition to you know..it being morally wrong. That's literally the number one factor here because I don't want to be a douche or something. It's really awesome to think someone else thinks I'm cute, considering it happens rarely. But yeah..
Referring back to my story, that whole ordeal that I went through eats me up inside nearly every single day of my life, for an odd reason, and I just don't want to inflict that feeling onto anyone else ever..for like as long as I live. But I'm still a super chill person and a huge nerd guy so I mean, if you hate nerds, ew gross right.
I'm sorry man D:
I get nervous about this sort of stuff too.
I 100% have no doubt in my mind that you're a nice person, it's just I'm already tied up. I'm trying reaaally hard to not hurt any feelings right now and I hope this works because I've been there. Too many times." - Kain
Seriously though...all I said was hello. I know, that he knows, that I think he's cute. But I don't actually know him! and he's acting like I got some serious feelings for him!!!
Well...maybe I do...because I cried.
Oh isn't it great being 16 with ragging hormones that make you cry over small things like this. Ugh. Not to mention the way Austin was acting today. Fucking dick...excuse my language but honestly. What is it with guys, they can be so nice to you one day and the second their friend are around they're absolute assholes.
I know im not the one they want to win, it's a losing game so im losing it. But even the people who finish second get a ribbon. If only I was getting second..im like...586th. What do I get for that? Heart break.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Same shit, different toilet
While you think I would've learned from my Paul situation, I really haven't.
Because now there's Austin.
Austin is like a shiny legendary pokemon, you always want to find one but you never do. To put it regularly, guys like Austin usually never talk to me, for more than a few minutes.
I met Austin freshman year in my "brothers" van. "brother" as in my brothers friend Craig who called me his little sister.
I woke up the morning of that faithful day and put in all my effort to looking good, I wanted to get a certain boys attention(but it wasn't Austin). At promptly 6:55 Craig pulled into the drive way and as usual I got in the van around 7, because I was taking my time in looking hot.
That van might as well have been a runway because the way I got in it was graceful beyond belief. I tripped over a stray hammer and hit my head on the roof of the van. How...Beautiful. With Austin trying not to laugh in the back seat, I felt like the biggest dipshit in the world, but his smile at me was like an arrow through my heart. Which caused me to keep my mouth shut for the entire ride to school to prevent embarrassing myself further.
Once at school and the rest of the school year I was hooked, I wasn't obsessed though. All I did was watch and wait for him to look back at me so I could quickly look away like nothing was happening. Okay maybe I was a little obsessed. But of course I didn't get the lady balls to talk to him until sophomore year... and that didn't turn out too well...he was a douche bag to me, yep I pick the winners. I jokingly might have brought up the fact that I wasn't wearing pants one day and he told his cousin who then told a mutual friend of a friend, who then proceeded to mock me for it. But in my defense I really wasn't wearing pants, I was wearing shorts.
Ugh I was miserable and humiliated, I couldn't look him in the eye for months, actually not until just recently.
Just a regular day of me waiting for my friend in school, and here he comes walking down the hall. In my mind the spot light was on him, all other beings disintegrated like dust, and it was just me and him...and then it came...the smirk. Was he looking at me? Yeah...yeah he was.
For the first time in almost a year, and for the first time ever, Austin was interacting with me, and he was making the first move! but that's not all...he flashed a peace sign. If it were any other guy, he'd be getting the stink eye, but this was Austin. And that small gesture of peace was enough to make my heart spin and my mind jump from my head and send me into the big black hole that is confusion.
While my friends told me it was nothing and to think too into it, I couldn't help myself. I had a feeling.
And what do ya know, my gut feelings were right! The very next day he approached me, and we spoke actual words. While they may have been awkward "yeahs" and some nudges exchanged, I knew this was the real thing. Austin thought I was attractive.
Then began the IMing and more hallways conversations. We were soon on our way to the hugs. Yeah I was falling in love all over again with Austin.
And with my luck and the amount of other girls he was friends with I was praying he didn't have a girlfriend. Buuuut of course, he finally broke the news to me in the lunch line. But he never defined if they were actually dating or just friends with benefits, so I let the matter rest and didn't bring it back up...for 48 hours..
I had to ask so I did. And the answer was yes, she was his girlfriend. Being me of course I told him how I felt and that I wasn't happy that he had a girlfriend...and hinted that I thought he liked me. His response was heartbreaking, he told me not to hold my breath on him because he was sticking with her. Though the fact that he did acknowledge that I had liked him for awhile made me feel a little better. He cared about my feelings and let me down easy.
We've continued to be good friends, and his feelings for me still seem to be apparent. If I'm upset he actually wants to know why, he says he'll always be there for me when I need to talk, and that im one of the few people he actually likes...like friend like..
He still hasn't said if he actually has feelings for me, or if were just friends but right now I kind of don't care. Just being friends is enough for me, ill patiently wait my potential turn.
Because now there's Austin.
Austin is like a shiny legendary pokemon, you always want to find one but you never do. To put it regularly, guys like Austin usually never talk to me, for more than a few minutes.
I met Austin freshman year in my "brothers" van. "brother" as in my brothers friend Craig who called me his little sister.
I woke up the morning of that faithful day and put in all my effort to looking good, I wanted to get a certain boys attention(but it wasn't Austin). At promptly 6:55 Craig pulled into the drive way and as usual I got in the van around 7, because I was taking my time in looking hot.
That van might as well have been a runway because the way I got in it was graceful beyond belief. I tripped over a stray hammer and hit my head on the roof of the van. How...Beautiful. With Austin trying not to laugh in the back seat, I felt like the biggest dipshit in the world, but his smile at me was like an arrow through my heart. Which caused me to keep my mouth shut for the entire ride to school to prevent embarrassing myself further.
Once at school and the rest of the school year I was hooked, I wasn't obsessed though. All I did was watch and wait for him to look back at me so I could quickly look away like nothing was happening. Okay maybe I was a little obsessed. But of course I didn't get the lady balls to talk to him until sophomore year... and that didn't turn out too well...he was a douche bag to me, yep I pick the winners. I jokingly might have brought up the fact that I wasn't wearing pants one day and he told his cousin who then told a mutual friend of a friend, who then proceeded to mock me for it. But in my defense I really wasn't wearing pants, I was wearing shorts.
Ugh I was miserable and humiliated, I couldn't look him in the eye for months, actually not until just recently.
Just a regular day of me waiting for my friend in school, and here he comes walking down the hall. In my mind the spot light was on him, all other beings disintegrated like dust, and it was just me and him...and then it came...the smirk. Was he looking at me? Yeah...yeah he was.
For the first time in almost a year, and for the first time ever, Austin was interacting with me, and he was making the first move! but that's not all...he flashed a peace sign. If it were any other guy, he'd be getting the stink eye, but this was Austin. And that small gesture of peace was enough to make my heart spin and my mind jump from my head and send me into the big black hole that is confusion.
While my friends told me it was nothing and to think too into it, I couldn't help myself. I had a feeling.
And what do ya know, my gut feelings were right! The very next day he approached me, and we spoke actual words. While they may have been awkward "yeahs" and some nudges exchanged, I knew this was the real thing. Austin thought I was attractive.
Then began the IMing and more hallways conversations. We were soon on our way to the hugs. Yeah I was falling in love all over again with Austin.
And with my luck and the amount of other girls he was friends with I was praying he didn't have a girlfriend. Buuuut of course, he finally broke the news to me in the lunch line. But he never defined if they were actually dating or just friends with benefits, so I let the matter rest and didn't bring it back up...for 48 hours..
I had to ask so I did. And the answer was yes, she was his girlfriend. Being me of course I told him how I felt and that I wasn't happy that he had a girlfriend...and hinted that I thought he liked me. His response was heartbreaking, he told me not to hold my breath on him because he was sticking with her. Though the fact that he did acknowledge that I had liked him for awhile made me feel a little better. He cared about my feelings and let me down easy.
We've continued to be good friends, and his feelings for me still seem to be apparent. If I'm upset he actually wants to know why, he says he'll always be there for me when I need to talk, and that im one of the few people he actually likes...like friend like..
He still hasn't said if he actually has feelings for me, or if were just friends but right now I kind of don't care. Just being friends is enough for me, ill patiently wait my potential turn.
The exciting life of an American teenager
I guess for 6 years now I've been mentally kicking my own ass. As much as I complain to my parents that no one likes me, the only person that I know for sure who doesn't like me is well...me. I am my own worst enemy.
I can sit in class and think the people behind me are talking about me, but its really just myself. My conscience is taking my insecurities and giving them to little voices to whisper in my ear. But of course being a 16 year old girl this is probably a normal thing.
Even still though, I feel left out...like everyone else is having more fun than me. Having black hair, blue eyes, and a pretty decent body shape you'd think id be a killer in the looks department...wrong.
I might as well be transparent, people look right through me, and with the amount of people that bump into me I think people might actually try to walk through me.
I've never been to a party that didn't begin with birthday, and the only time my lips touch alcohol is under the watchful eye of my parents. One time they even let me drink a full beer. Wow I am such a party animal.
I'm not entirely lame though, I've snuck out, smoked pot, almost had sex, and stayed the night at a boy house, but its been nearly a year sense I've done anything worth bragging about on Facebook. Most my statuses consist of me complaining about what level in Super Mario I'm currently stuck on, or about how much I wish I had a cat.
Maybe I should teen up, and go get arrested. But for now I think ill stick with my coffee, knee socks, and laptop because for now a 404 error is about all the danger I need in my life.
I can sit in class and think the people behind me are talking about me, but its really just myself. My conscience is taking my insecurities and giving them to little voices to whisper in my ear. But of course being a 16 year old girl this is probably a normal thing.
Even still though, I feel left out...like everyone else is having more fun than me. Having black hair, blue eyes, and a pretty decent body shape you'd think id be a killer in the looks department...wrong.
I might as well be transparent, people look right through me, and with the amount of people that bump into me I think people might actually try to walk through me.
I've never been to a party that didn't begin with birthday, and the only time my lips touch alcohol is under the watchful eye of my parents. One time they even let me drink a full beer. Wow I am such a party animal.
I'm not entirely lame though, I've snuck out, smoked pot, almost had sex, and stayed the night at a boy house, but its been nearly a year sense I've done anything worth bragging about on Facebook. Most my statuses consist of me complaining about what level in Super Mario I'm currently stuck on, or about how much I wish I had a cat.
Maybe I should teen up, and go get arrested. But for now I think ill stick with my coffee, knee socks, and laptop because for now a 404 error is about all the danger I need in my life.
Paul
Freshman year I met this guy Paul, he was a junior and my god...was he the bees knees. I don't know what I saw in him though, or still do see in him. Long ginger hair, big blue eyes, tall, skinny, absolutely depressed, pale, and he had a girlfriend. I'm not even going to describe how he made me feel.
I'm not attracted to the sick puppies, but maybe the girlish fantasy of having an older boyfriend just drove me straight into his already full arms.
This boy played my heart strings like a violin, but I did not give a crap. As long as I could be around him and have the hope that'd we end up together, I was perfectly content.
Paul was dating my friend Casey....'s friend, Karliegh. I'm not into taking my friends boyfriends, but I don't know Karliegh so why Care. Good thing I didn't too because then I wouldn't be writing this for my blog.
I met Paul after school on a magical day when I was supposed to be in tutoring, and cleverly avoided it by simply not going. Paul, his friend Daniel, and some girl Megan (who I don't like and never will) were in the parking lot of the junior high being total fucking nerds. Casey and I, Casey already knowing paul, approached them and for the 45 minutes that I was supposed to be in tutor I hung out with them.....Then my mom came, saw I wasn't in tutoring, yelled at me, and I had to go home.
Pretty romantic huh? That night I asked Casey what Paul's name was and of course it was Paul...who would've guessed. Oh and she told me about Karliegh and whatever I didn't care! Soon me and Paul were pretty good pals. He told me everything, he told me his problems with Karliegh, his family, depression, and all that junk. Of course this set of my inner "oh yeah I can fix everyone's problem" personality. While trying to help him through his problems I sneakily suggested him and Karliegh broke up. Ya I know, im terrible but whatever I was 14.
I still remember all the cold nights I'd sneak out and go hang out with Paul. Sometimes things got a little sexual...in a park...
My first ever "sexual" experience. It was exciting and riveting, it sent my prepubescent loins on fire. Because we were...ya know...pretending to rape each other...
I know what you're thinking "how the hell?" well let me explain okay? I'd lay on the picnic table when a car drove by, he'd be on top of me or between my legs pretending to hump me and I'd very jokingly call out for help. Stupid I know but again I WAS 14.
The next day he had told Casey that if he hadn't been dating Karliegh he would've lost control and I probably would've lost my virginity on that picnic table.
Remember Megan? Well heres why I don't like Megan. She liked Paul too, and while I never took things far with Paul, excluding the park thing, this girl went and kissed him. Not just a kiss but a full on sucking face with him. Of course all out friends, especially me, were pissed as hell at her. PAUL HAD A GIRLFRIEND YOU CANT DO THAT. Of course that makes me a hypocrite but my messing around with Paul was kept under wraps, while she went and just told all of us what happened, feeling guilty of course, but then tried to make us feel guilty about being mad at her. She knew I liked Paul too, but I didn't know she liked him. That's why I don't like her, I mean I could've kissed Paul too but I controlled myself, again excluding the park situation!
This one time (at band camp lol) Paul came to my house, and we were just chilling on the couch...maybe cuddling...and then all of a sudden he got really sad. He said he felt bad about messing around with so many girls while dating Karliegh...that's when I knew I had to stop, I couldn't keep being friends with Paul. After he left I went into my room and cried, I cried because I knew if I kept being friends with Paul my feelings would grow stronger and then I might be a Megan.
So I loosened up on Paul, we slowly grew farther and farther apart, and my feelings just slowly faded away. Last time I saw him was Sophomore year just a week before he was going to graduate, and I haven't heard from him sense. I still think of him but I don't ever see my feelings for him coming back. Bummer but oh well.
Even if you have feelings for someone, sometimes it might just be best to let them go.
I'm not attracted to the sick puppies, but maybe the girlish fantasy of having an older boyfriend just drove me straight into his already full arms.
This boy played my heart strings like a violin, but I did not give a crap. As long as I could be around him and have the hope that'd we end up together, I was perfectly content.
Paul was dating my friend Casey....'s friend, Karliegh. I'm not into taking my friends boyfriends, but I don't know Karliegh so why Care. Good thing I didn't too because then I wouldn't be writing this for my blog.
I met Paul after school on a magical day when I was supposed to be in tutoring, and cleverly avoided it by simply not going. Paul, his friend Daniel, and some girl Megan (who I don't like and never will) were in the parking lot of the junior high being total fucking nerds. Casey and I, Casey already knowing paul, approached them and for the 45 minutes that I was supposed to be in tutor I hung out with them.....Then my mom came, saw I wasn't in tutoring, yelled at me, and I had to go home.
Pretty romantic huh? That night I asked Casey what Paul's name was and of course it was Paul...who would've guessed. Oh and she told me about Karliegh and whatever I didn't care! Soon me and Paul were pretty good pals. He told me everything, he told me his problems with Karliegh, his family, depression, and all that junk. Of course this set of my inner "oh yeah I can fix everyone's problem" personality. While trying to help him through his problems I sneakily suggested him and Karliegh broke up. Ya I know, im terrible but whatever I was 14.
I still remember all the cold nights I'd sneak out and go hang out with Paul. Sometimes things got a little sexual...in a park...
My first ever "sexual" experience. It was exciting and riveting, it sent my prepubescent loins on fire. Because we were...ya know...pretending to rape each other...
I know what you're thinking "how the hell?" well let me explain okay? I'd lay on the picnic table when a car drove by, he'd be on top of me or between my legs pretending to hump me and I'd very jokingly call out for help. Stupid I know but again I WAS 14.
The next day he had told Casey that if he hadn't been dating Karliegh he would've lost control and I probably would've lost my virginity on that picnic table.
Remember Megan? Well heres why I don't like Megan. She liked Paul too, and while I never took things far with Paul, excluding the park thing, this girl went and kissed him. Not just a kiss but a full on sucking face with him. Of course all out friends, especially me, were pissed as hell at her. PAUL HAD A GIRLFRIEND YOU CANT DO THAT. Of course that makes me a hypocrite but my messing around with Paul was kept under wraps, while she went and just told all of us what happened, feeling guilty of course, but then tried to make us feel guilty about being mad at her. She knew I liked Paul too, but I didn't know she liked him. That's why I don't like her, I mean I could've kissed Paul too but I controlled myself, again excluding the park situation!
This one time (at band camp lol) Paul came to my house, and we were just chilling on the couch...maybe cuddling...and then all of a sudden he got really sad. He said he felt bad about messing around with so many girls while dating Karliegh...that's when I knew I had to stop, I couldn't keep being friends with Paul. After he left I went into my room and cried, I cried because I knew if I kept being friends with Paul my feelings would grow stronger and then I might be a Megan.
So I loosened up on Paul, we slowly grew farther and farther apart, and my feelings just slowly faded away. Last time I saw him was Sophomore year just a week before he was going to graduate, and I haven't heard from him sense. I still think of him but I don't ever see my feelings for him coming back. Bummer but oh well.
Even if you have feelings for someone, sometimes it might just be best to let them go.
Kicking it off
"When you're ready, talk"....what does that mean? I could talk and talk for hours on end but would you really be able to help me? High school is messing up my head and its only going to get worse.
I've been out-casted in high school sense day one of my freshman year. My brother wouldn't even let me sit with him at lunch! I probably wouldn't let me sit with me either but still. But ever sense that day I've been forced to eat my soggy fries and greased out pizza with a variety of people, who I usually don't even like. With, however, the exception of Madison. Funny thing about me and her is my brother dated her deranged psychopath of a demon- I mean sister. So we've pretty much been friends sense 7th grade and have sat at the same lunch table sense then as well.
Madison is one of those friends that you kinda want to kick in the throat sometimes, but you're still friends with her cause she's never done anything wrong to you...except annoy you..
Either way she's the girl you can tell you killed someone and she wouldn't tell a soul.
I think i'll let my story begin in 7th grade: it sucked
Okay now to my currents moment in time 11th grade: it still sucks
Ill probably just sound like a bitter little teenager with a stick up her ass but oh well, I'm gonna say it..I HATE SCHOOL!!!!! Well not so much school, just the people...especially my 'friend' Aleecia. I use the term friend loosely because I really wish we weren't friend.
We became friends over a boy(Devin), and all out problems started over a boy(Jake). But were not gonna get into all that just yet.
I've been out-casted in high school sense day one of my freshman year. My brother wouldn't even let me sit with him at lunch! I probably wouldn't let me sit with me either but still. But ever sense that day I've been forced to eat my soggy fries and greased out pizza with a variety of people, who I usually don't even like. With, however, the exception of Madison. Funny thing about me and her is my brother dated her deranged psychopath of a demon- I mean sister. So we've pretty much been friends sense 7th grade and have sat at the same lunch table sense then as well.
Madison is one of those friends that you kinda want to kick in the throat sometimes, but you're still friends with her cause she's never done anything wrong to you...except annoy you..
Either way she's the girl you can tell you killed someone and she wouldn't tell a soul.
I think i'll let my story begin in 7th grade: it sucked
Okay now to my currents moment in time 11th grade: it still sucks
Ill probably just sound like a bitter little teenager with a stick up her ass but oh well, I'm gonna say it..I HATE SCHOOL!!!!! Well not so much school, just the people...especially my 'friend' Aleecia. I use the term friend loosely because I really wish we weren't friend.
We became friends over a boy(Devin), and all out problems started over a boy(Jake). But were not gonna get into all that just yet.
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